How to Survive Series: The Jumbled Inner-Dialogue of an Anxious Traveler

  • It is 4am and literally no other human being is up in this world. This is inhumane.
  • Why did I book a 6am flight?
  • Oh thank you God, Serial Episode 2 is in my podcast feed and ready to go.
  • There are no drivers on the road at 4:45 am.
  • It’s so dark and I can’t figure out where to park at the airport amid the 10,000 signs.
  • Shuttle driver, ” Ma’am, put your suit case sideways. Ma’am! There are rules on this shuttle, Ma’am!”. Dude, it is 5 am and you have way too much power.
  • I am going to get SO many Swarm check ins today. Parking lot? Check! Airport? Check! Concourse? Check! And gate? Well why not! CHECK!
  • How is it possible for this many people to be at the airport at 5:45 am? Go-getters.
  • I spy a family of 5 with matching Mickey Mouse ears. I wonder where they are traveling to?
  • Travel would be significantly better with less people.
  • Southwest does not assign specific seats and the lack of structure is hurting my head.
  • Must pick perfect seat. Must choose aisle seat. Must avoid all children. Must sit by clean person.
  • Oh my gosh… that woman is sitting in a window seat and she has two bottles of hand sanitizer on her pull-out tray. SCORE
  • Woman in window seat. Me in aisle seat. Middle seat remains empty.
  • Keep walking, people. Don’t even look at that empty seat.
  • Avoid all eye contact. Don’t mislead people into thinking you are social.
  • Seat remains empty, the day just improved 100%.
  • Shockingly the plane is delayed for de-icing situation.
  • Why did I drink that full bottle of water before boarding the plane?
  • De-icing. Still.
  • Alright Sarah Koenig. Enough Bowe Bergdahl. Let’s discuss who we think murdered Hae Lee.
  • We. Are. Moving!
  • I will not use plane bathroom. I will not use plane bathroom.
  • Apparently the moving of the plane signifies the need to crank of the air conditioning. Unfortunately I left my parka and beanie at home.
  • Adnan Syed is definitely guilty.
  • Is that woman looking at me or out the window? Either way, it needs to stop.
  • I will not use plane bathroom. I will not use plane bathroom.
  • Plane is landing. Seat belt sign is off. Welcome to the 75th annual Hunger Games. May the odds be ever in your favor.
  • 10 minutes have gone by and I’m still on this plane. Everyone’s legs must be painted on.
  • MOVE
  • Middle of an airline aisle is not the place for conversation, people.
  • You can only carry on two items but the person in front of me smuggled literally four bags. I’m calling the plane cops.
  • OUT OF THE PLANE. Stop 1: Bathroom
  • Women’s bathroom of course has a massive line.
  • Apparently people will converse anywhere.
  • Bathroom trip finished. Never drinking liquid again. Onto plane number two.
  • Only have access to free wi-fi for 20 minutes. What in the heck is that about? It’s 2015.
  • Pre-boarding plane 2 and I spy at least 15 wheel chairs…
  • Still pre-boarding
  • If I would have known pre-boarding would take this long I would have started writing my novel.
  • Boarding final plane of the day!
  • No empty seats.. no empty seats.. no people who look super clean either 😦
  • Avoid person with garlicy Reuben sandwich.
  • Avoid person with screaming child.
  • Avoid person sneezing.
  • Seat found.. crowded but I will take any aisle I can get.
  • Woman behind me is talking about her rash… eeeeek.
  • Who else had a motive to kill Hae Lee aside from Adnan? I mean, really.
  • Ordering a beer.. it is 10am now so this seems like a more acceptable time to have a drink, right?
  • Girl next to me has fallen asleep and half of her body is my own personal bubble.
  • How can I wake this person up in a subtle way?
  • Who falls asleep on the tray? How many people have touched this tray? GROSS.
  • The plane is landing- popping a peppermint beadlet and we are ready to rumble.
  • Starting the de-boarding process. Welcome to the 76th annual Hunger Games. May the odds be ever in your favor.
  • What is that I spy outside the plane. Is… is that… could that be… the sun???

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