How to Survive Series: The Jumbled Inner-Dialogue of an Anxious Traveler

• It is 4am and literally no other human being is up in this world. This is inhumane.
• Why did I book a 6am flight?
• Oh thank you God, Serial Episode 2 is in my podcast feed and ready to go.
• There are no drivers on the road at 4:45 am.
• It’s so dark and I can’t figure out where to park at the airport amid the 10,000 signs.
• Shuttle driver, ” Ma’am, put your suit case sideways. Ma’am! There are rules on this shuttle, Ma’am!”. Dude, it is 5 am and you have way too much power.
• I am going to get SO many Swarm check ins today. Parking lot? Check! Airport? Check! Concourse? Check! And gate? Well why not! CHECK!
• How is it possible for this many people to be at the airport at 5:45 am? Go-getters.
• I spy a family of 5 with matching Mickey Mouse ears. I wonder where they are traveling to?
• Travel would be significantly better with less people.
• Southwest does not assign specific seats and the lack of structure is hurting my head.
• Must pick perfect seat. Must choose aisle seat. Must avoid all children. Must sit by clean person.
• Oh my gosh… that woman is sitting in a window seat and she has two bottles of hand sanitizer on her pull-out tray. SCORE
• Woman in window seat. Me in aisle seat. Middle seat remains empty.
• Keep walking, people. Don’t even look at that empty seat.
• Avoid all eye contact. Don’t mislead people into thinking you are social.
• Seat remains empty, the day just improved 100%.
• Shockingly the plane is delayed for de-icing situation.
• Why did I drink that full bottle of water before boarding the plane?
• De-icing. Still.
• Alright Sarah Koenig. Enough Bowe Bergdahl. Let’s discuss who we think murdered Hae Lee.
• We. Are. Moving!
• I will not use plane bathroom. I will not use plane bathroom.
• Apparently the moving of the plane signifies the need to crank of the air conditioning. Unfortunately I left my parka and beanie at home.
• Adnan Syed is definitely guilty.
• Is that woman looking at me or out the window? Either way, it needs to stop.
• I will not use plane bathroom. I will not use plane bathroom.
• Plane is landing. Seat belt sign is off. Welcome to the 75^th annual Hunger Games. May the odds be ever in your favor.
• 10 minutes have gone by and I’m still on this plane. Everyone’s legs must be painted on.
• MOVE
• Middle of an airline aisle is not the place for conversation, people.
• You can only carry on two items but the person in front of me smuggled literally four bags. I’m calling the plane cops.
• OUT OF THE PLANE. Stop 1: Bathroom
• Women’s bathroom of course has a massive line.
• Apparently people will converse anywhere.
• Bathroom trip finished. Never drinking liquid again. Onto plane number two.
• Only have access to free wi-fi for 20 minutes. What in the heck is that about? It’s 2015.
• Pre-boarding plane 2 and I spy at least 15 wheel chairs…
• Still pre-boarding
• If I would have known pre-boarding would take this long I would have started writing my novel.
• Boarding final plane of the day!
• No empty seats.. no empty seats.. no people who look super clean either 😦
• Avoid person with garlicy Reuben sandwich.
• Avoid person with screaming child.
• Avoid person sneezing.
• Seat found.. crowded but I will take any aisle I can get.
• Woman behind me is talking about her rash… eeeeek.
• Who else had a motive to kill Hae Lee aside from Adnan? I mean, really.
• Ordering a beer.. it is 10am now so this seems like a more acceptable time to have a drink, right?
• Girl next to me has fallen asleep and half of her body is my own personal bubble.
• How can I wake this person up in a subtle way?
• Who falls asleep on the tray? How many people have touched this tray? GROSS.
• The plane is landing- popping a peppermint beadlet and we are ready to rumble.
• Starting the de-boarding process. Welcome to the 76th annual Hunger Games. May the odds be ever in your favor.
• What is that I spy outside the plane. Is… is that… could that be… the sun???
• WELCOME TO FLORIDA